Website of the Day: Viz Top Tips

A selection (from Viz.co.uk):

HOSPITAL patients. Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you. Dr Grim

FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don't sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet. Macker

SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned. James Powell-Brett

CELEBRATE the birthday of a friend or relative by making your own Happy Birthday banner and strapping it to a roundabout. Motorists are always grateful to be informed of the age of someone they have never met. Benji

LIGHTEN up worrying trips to the doctors by posing every question with the prefix 'Doctor, Doctor.' Christina Martin

GILLETTE Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model? Anonymous

GILLETTE Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor. T Thorn, Hexham

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. J Calabas

HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience. Paul Bradshaw

OLD BIDDIES. Easter is not going to be early or late next year. So that will save you one crappy conversation. Old Biddy

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Micky the Lips

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. Stephen McGrath

TEACHERS Avoid fancying 15-year-old girls in your charge by picturing them engaged in much younger activities, such as sucking lollipops or frolicking naked in a paddling pool. Bellester Smith

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. James Smyth, Hitchin

UNDERTAKERS. Put a flashing yellow light on the top hat of the man walking in front of the hearse to warn other road users of the slow procession of cars. Campbell Moore

CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can. Peter Hall

WEIGHT WATCHERS. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump. Nick Brook